Monday, November 10, 2008
It's the End of Me
My Heart Belongs to Him
As a child my mom and dad brought to me to believe that if I worked hard enough I could achieve my dreams. I set off for college believing I could conquer the world and that those dreams would eventually come true. I lived for the moment in college turning against the God who loved me more than anyone. I decided that it was all about me and all about what I wanted in life. When you are young it's so easy to judge all those around you and point out their every flaw. I don't know how many times as a young woman I thought I had all the answers to life and that those that didn't agree with me were beneath me. I kept my purity all through highschool and didn't hesitate to judge those girls that didn't do likewise. After I messed up the first time in college, I thought there was no more turning back to the purity and truth that I once lived. I spent five years doing what I wanted in life. Life was about me and what I wanted, I didn't care that the path that I was taking would be something that those who hate me would use against me for the rest of my life. As I sat on the floor a few months before graduation filling out my LSAT application, I believed that I was one step closer to being the person I always dreamed of being. Law school was my dream and I spent all of my free time studying and making future plans for my life. God had a different plan for me....as my sin caught up to me I learned that I was expecting a child and I wasn't married yet. I fell to my knees and cried for days believing that my dreams were over that my plans were through. I didn't realize that the new path that I would be taking would be far more rewarding and far more fulfilling than the dream of being an attorney.
When I was nine months pregnant, I went to a contemporary service at my parents' church and after the message, I almost ran to the altar to fall before God's feet to ask him to take control of my life again and help me to make the right choices in my life. On January 6, 1996, I became a mother for the first time. I held a precious gift from God and was given another chance to become the woman that God wanted me to be. From that moment on I have embarked on a journey with God. Trying to do what is right but sometimes still making choices that aren't the best for myself or those around me. I'm a work in progress, an unfinished piece of pottery. I've been tested in the fire and have failed time and time again.
I'm the kind of person that always wants to fight for what is right and what is true I always want to defend the honor of those whom I love. I'm the kind of person that wants peace and wants to be thought well of. I have this stupid idealistic dream of everyone getting along in this world without fighting and hurting each other. Unfortunately, the reality is there are those that want to persecute me at all cost even to death. There are those have chosen me as the target of their anger and bitterness. There are many that do not even really know me or know the person that I am. They do not know how many times I have cried myself to sleep on a pillow. God knows my heart, he knows who I am he hears my cries and knows my struggles. God forgives! God loves! God heals! It's not about me or trying to please everyone around me. It's not even about what I want anymore, It's about HIM and what his ultimate plans are for me!! I believe that the hurt that I feel is not only a product of my sin and choices but an opportunity for God to continue to make me a better person.
David who also fell so many times into sin once said, "Lord, how they increased who trouble me! Many are those that rise up against me. Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help from him in God.' But You, O Lord are a shield for me. My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people. Who have set themselves about me all around. Arise, O Lord; Save me, O my God! For You have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone; You have broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongs to the Lord. Your blessing is upon Your people." - Psalm 3